Self-care for entrepreneurs

Welcome to Building Better Developers, the Developer Nord podcast, where we work on getting better step by step professionally and personally. Let's get started. Well, hello and welcome back. We are continuing our season full of interviews and we're going to start a new interview today. We're going to be speaking with Sean Ali and we're going to talk about self-care. We're going to talk about making sure that we've got our heads in the right place, that we're taking care of ourselves, that we're staying healthy. We're doing the things that are going to allow us to keep running at a high level of productivity that we need when we are doing side hustles and cranking through our day and trying to find that second or third line of revenue. All of those kinds of things that keep us busy, but we also have got to occasionally step back and make sure we stay healthy as well. So we're going to talk a little bit about her background and why she is one of us. And then we're going to get more detailed into some of the things that she's learned and where she has some suggestions for us to make our life a little easier, keep ourselves healthy and productive. So let's get right into our conversation. Well, welcome back. Today we're going to be speaking with Sean Ali and we're going to be talking about something that we probably do not do enough, and that is self-care. Now we're going to talk about some things that we do probably more than enough, which is the whole idea of side hustles and starting a second business or second source of income. And we're going to work with somebody who's in the trenches with us. She has lived it, she has paid for it at times, and now helps people like us do the right thing so that we can make sure that we train ourselves properly to do the things that are going to keep us healthy. It's as we've talked before, it's that idea of if you're the prize winning stallion, they don't just run in a race and then throw it in, just throw it back there somewhere, they clean it up and cool down and all that kind of good stuff. And if you're that stallion, which you are, you need to take care of yourself. And so Sean's going to talk to us about that a little bit. But first I want to throw it to you, welcome you to the show, and if you can introduce yourself a little bit. Yeah, yeah, thank you. Such a pleasure to be here. Like you said, my name is Shawna Lee. I am an entrepreneur. I actually didn't venture into the side hustle necessarily. I have a story that's probably, I'm going to guess that some of your listeners is familiar with and has lived the similar path. I was actually let go of two jobs in a single year. So I spent 20 years in corporate America. My position was eliminated from one and I found myself at a small startup and I spent about six months there and it was not a great fit. It was a mutually, it's a mutual decision that it was not a great fit. And so I was let go from that position as well. And I really did some soul searching to try to determine what was I supposed to be doing with my life? What is this purpose? What was all of this turmoil for? I will say of all the guidance I have for self care, it comes from a place of I did it incorrectly and now I know why it's so important. So for all of my years in corporate America, I'm a mom of four children. And so I was a working mom, balancing career, raising children, supporting a family. And in those scenarios, I was usually the last on the list to serve and give to and take care of. And so that's when we get sick. Our bodies are amazing at communicating to us what is needed. And when we don't listen, which a lot of us are guilty of, we're stopped and we're told, okay, now it's time for rest. That's usually when we get sick. So anyways, fast forward, I ventured into this entrepreneur world kind of very timidly, one little tiny step at a time. I actually wrote my book, So You're Divorced, So What, as a path to healing from my divorces. So really doing self care, figuring out what I needed, what I wanted. And this whole healing journey was a way for me to eliminate the shame and guilt that came from multiple divorces. So I wrote this book as a way to kind of use that experience to help other people. I thought, why the heck have I gone through these horrible experiences? And what I came up with was I've actually experienced every type of divorce that exists. So the one you initiated, the one you didn't want, the one that was terrible and chaotic and toxic, the one that was amicable, literally all of the options I have experienced. And I thought, okay, well, I'm going to turn this into something that can help other people. And it was the first little step towards me realizing I could build an online business that would generate the income I was looking for to support my family, but also give me the freedom to show up and be available for them and also to do some self care. So along this whole journey, I determined that a morning routine is really important for me. And there's, well, I say there's three components to it. One is coffee, because I need coffee first thing in the morning. And then I need to meditate and I need some journaling time. And when I'm consistently doing those things and kind of filling my cup, initially, it allows me to show up as my best self. I am more productive with my work. I am a better mom. I am a better friend and a better partner. So it really just allows me to give the world the best version of me simply by taking care of myself first. And so that's kind of been my path to entrepreneurship. It didn't really start as a side hustle necessarily. But I will say like the income that was being generated was very much like a side hustle in the beginning. So I can relate to all of what you have talked about. And I will say that even just today, I was reminded that sometimes I work too much and don't rest enough. And so I took the morning off. I rearranged some things on my calendar and I went and got a massage. Wow. That's a good way to start. That's a good adjustment from a, hey, I need to take care of myself a little bit. Like, hey, let's go get a good massage. So what was the, if it's not going too deep into it, so what was your, what was your reminder? Because you said the body reminds you and things like that. Since it's very, since it's very recent. Yes. I was having some back pain and I have realized over the years that our body, our aches and pains that we get, you know, it might be a little bit of a twinge here that we're, we brush off or we take some ibuprofen and then another little thing starts. And when you look into, so all of this is my unpopular belief, all of our aches and pains, the ailments of our bodies have an emotional basis. So essentially when we are not paying attention to our emotions or we're shoving them down or trying not to, you know, we're trying to avoid those emotional pain, you know, we're trying to avoid those icky bad feelings. They don't go anywhere and they stay in our body and that's what makes us sick. That's what gives us the aches and pains. And so when I am not taking care of myself, that's when my body tells me. And so I was having a little back pain and my massage therapist actually, she's so much more than a massage therapist. She really is a healer. And so she, you know, I texted her this morning and said, this is what's going on. What does it mean? And she said, I can get you in. And so she sort of gave me the nudge I needed to say, okay, yes, I'm going to move some things around and make it happen. So I just think our bodies are great at communicating to us when we're not doing what we need for ourselves. It reminds us. And that's, that actually leads into something that I think is very, I think we miss a lot because we've, we have talked a little bit about such things is it, it's, it's how you, you acted. It's not just that you had that, the body reminds you because we get that. We get the thing where it's, you know, I've got a little cough or I feel a little weak or I'm a little tired or there's all these little things that we'll find out usually, you know, days later, a week later, a month later, when we just, you know, bam, you hit the wall and now you're suddenly very sick and you're out of it for however long it is. And I speak from experience as well have done those kinds of things. And I think that's something that, that maybe is where, how would you, how would you recommend to somebody to get into that kind of a, like a rhythm or even a relationship with somebody, whether it's a therapist or friend or whatever, so that you've got two things is one that you're, you're sensitive to those warning signs, but also that you have a, like you said, sort of like an excuse to do something about that, to, to make sure that you, I guess, maybe it's just to self-talk your way into saying, Hey, I need to address this. Well, what's interesting is that I teach this and I do this for other people, but when it's me, it's very difficult to see it. So this is exactly what I have found that there's a phrase I love when the student is ready, the teacher appears. And so the times that I have leaned into just opening myself up with curiosity to a new concept or a new idea, as soon as I've opened up my awareness or willingness to learn a little bit about it, the person who can teach me that thing shows up. And so I've been able to kind of forge friendships with those people over the years. And this, this particular friend of mine, she's become a very close friend of mine. And I, we've built that over time, this trust and camaraderie and the ability to talk about all the crazy things, but she really was the first person who was, I would say the first person to start telling me about what those aches and pains meant in the body. And so I just leaned into it and got curious essentially. And then the next person would come along and then the next person would come along. And, and, you know, from there, you just, you learn to trust yourself essentially. And I think the first step is paying attention to what you're feeling in your body. I think a lot of people are even just out of touch with their body. One of the things I offer is an online course called align, and it's all about aligning your body, mind and spirit, and really teaching people how to tap into who you truly are. And I think that's the first way to kind of tap into paying attention and listening to what your body is telling you because they communicate all the time. Yeah. And I think that is something that that's, you talk to people like yourself that do this and it seems so simple. And then for, you know, but until you get there, it always feels like it's like, okay, well, what is my body telling me? Or what is my mind, body and soul? Usually my mind is saying, I got to go do some work. Some stuff. And so it sort of shuts out and drowns out those, those other, I guess you say voices in your head as it were. 100%. Yes. Yeah. And I think, you know, the, the mind, body, soul connection is kind of a weird concept to a lot of people, but I think just being able to, you know, you said it's, it's easy. Well, it's easy for someone else who's trained to be able to see that for someone. Like I was still struggling. I know all about these connections and even this morning was like, what is, what is my body telling me? I've got this ache and this pain. And she was able to kind of interpret it for me. And I thought, okay, yes, that makes sense. But I wasn't able to do it for myself. It's there's, there's this concept, especially with single moms. I see this a lot, but we all have this idea that we're supposed to do it by ourselves or figured out on our own and like forge the solo route, but we're really meant to be part of the bigger, like altogether, we're supposed to be connected. We're not supposed to do it by ourselves. And so being able to lean on people who know what you don't know and allow them to look at your situation, I think is the key is kind of leaning into those connections and trusting yourself to pay attention and then let other people help you. Yeah. And that's particularly from a, this is one of those things that from an entrepreneurial side, I was just heard somebody presenting on this the other day, was talking about it, how it's, they refer to it as basically as loneliness and disconnectedness is because you, and society's leading us that way because we don't, we don't have to go out. We don't have to do anything. We can have people drop food off at the door. We can do emails. We can do all this stuff that detaches us, particularly as an entrepreneur or somebody that's driven in general. And this even, I think this even applies and I swear I want to get sort of your view of it to particularly like single parents, particularly, I know moms are, it seemed to be the worst of it as far, get the worst of it because they've got, they just, they have so much they're expected to do and they got to hold down a job and they've got the kids and I'd like, all the things. Kids alone is enough to like wear you out. But then if you add all that other stuff, and so it does become something where it's, how do you, when you're in the middle of that, because I think it's easier for some, it's sort of things where somebody can look at it and say, Hey, you're overwhelmed. You're disconnected. You need to do this. But in particularly since sounds like you've sort of, you were working through this while you were in it. Yes. Is what are some tools there or maybe some ways that somebody can, while they're in the midst of this, say, Hey, I may be in trouble. I need to work myself to a point where I'm going to be healthy. Yeah. And I think, so I just did a podcast episode of this on my show and it, I, I was kind of walking through what are the tactical things that you can do to make logical decisions when you're an emotional hot mess. Like we, we all can, we know what it feels like to be in that space and that emotional space where things are murky. You can't think straight. And a lot of that comes from overwhelm or being burnout or not doing enough self care, but, but we know what it feels like. And so I think we often don't know how to get out of that. And so that's where I came up with these tips. And the first one on the list was to rely on people who that's their roles. So for example, when I was leaving a marriage and had to very quickly find a place to live, I was in an emotional, emotional turmoil. Like that was the, I mean, hot mess though was my head and my space, my emotional space. And yet I was having to make some very logical decisions and how do I find a place to live in a very short amount of time. And so one of the recommendations I said was rely on other people, like real estate agents and, oh, the, the leasing agents, you know, people whose job is to make these logical decisions. You can come to them and say, this is what I need. And they can make it easier. They can minimize the choices. They can give you a short list to choose from. I know in my experience, my real estate agent was, did an amazing job of being able to kind of focus me in on, you know, when I was buying a house and going through yet another divorce, I was struggling with, you know, I, I know these three things are important to me, but I had so many different things to do that he was able to say, okay, today, right now, I need you to make this decision. Tomorrow, we're going to talk about this. And so he was able to kind of make it little bite size pieces for me and keep it very logical. He was great at, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause he knew both of us. So he was going to avoid any of the like touchy feely emotional conversations, which honestly, when you're buying property and selling property, that's exactly what you need to do. So I think relying on other people to help you through that is a big part of it. Absolutely. Yeah. And that's good. I think that's something we've come to a lot is that if you're solving problems, whether it's a entrepreneur trying to build a business or it's a, you know, somebody trying to get healthy or, or, or just get their hands around, you know, their head around whatever situation there is, it does seem that that, you know, it's the, the business side of it is sort of that outsourcing, but essentially it's really, it's like taking this stuff that somebody does better than you, or that is going to be happier doing it than you and find a way to get that to them. So, so you're not being worn out by it. Yeah. And I think as an entrepreneur, it's been interesting. There, there is no limit to the number of people who can coach you through any aspect of the business that you are running, that you need to know they come out of the woodwork to find you. But I think, you know, you can get guidance. Let's say you're talking about SEO on a website, there's going to be three different suggestions on how you should approach that. And lots and lots of people will offer their services. When you're starting out a new business, you often don't have a lot of money to throw into the business. And so you have to pick and choose your investments really wisely. And so I found networking with other people was really helpful. But in the beginning, what I was, what I was encountering was I was meeting a bunch of people who were at the same stage of their business that I was. So while helpful and great to know, I'm not alone. They're also struggling with the same things. What I quickly learned was when I'm asking for advice, or I'm asking for guidance, or having trouble making a decision on which approach should I take, what priorities should I focus on next, I had to remind myself, and actually, because I learned it the hard way, that I needed to ask people who had already done that thing. If they've already been successful doing that, they're going to know some tips and tricks and some shortcuts. They're going to have some guidance that'll likely save me some time and probably money. And so being able to rely on someone who, and you know, because your mom necessarily, your mom might not necessarily be the one who's going to be able to give you guidance on your business. But a lot of times we're asking our close family and friends, what do you think I should do? How does my messaging look? What did you think of that email? But if they're not our target audience, or they haven't done the thing, then you should maybe take their feedback and put it on a shelf and go ask someone else. Yeah, that's where I've been blessed since I live in the technology world. Usually your family and close friends are not, unless they're work people, they're not technologists. And they'll, my parents can look at stuff that I put together, and go, I have no idea if that has any value to anybody. I don't even know what it means. I can understand your, I recognize your name and the rest of it is completely foreign to me. So it does, it saves you, it does give you that buffer zone of not trying to go rely on to, you know, your five closest friends about it. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. One of the things that I do want to swing back around because it's interesting, I've seen a lot of people that are self-help and productivity gurus and things like that, that talk about a morning routine. Very few of them bring up coffee, so that's good to know. Although I'm a tea person, but I got to have my caffeine right away. But in particular, I've seen almost a sort of a pairing of meditation and journaling is, how did you find that that was good for you? And what is it that, if you can sort of like describe, what is it that you get out of that, that then sets you up, as you said, basically sets you up for success for the rest of the day, because you get that right mindset. Well, how much time do we have? I could talk all day long about these two things. Yes, so journaling specifically has been such a helpful tool to me because I can use it in several different ways. So in the beginning, so I've been journaling my whole life and I've been having the urge to write and I knew I was going to write a book, but I fought it for a few decades. But writing has always been a way for me, it's kind of cathartic and a way for me to process through difficult situations or hard emotions. So I had already been doing that in the beginning. I have years and years and years of journals. I'll tell you, in my first divorce, my journal pages were photocopied and used in the divorce proceedings. And it was the, it was one of the biggest betrayals of my life to have my private thoughts shared so publicly that I actually stopped journaling for a long time. And when I came back to it, I was like, oh my gosh, I could have saved myself so much heartache had I just been writing through it. It's such a great way to just kind of process it. I think a lot of times for me, my brain is going so fast that in order to stop and write, it forces me to slow down the thoughts and to kind of make sense of them. And so for that reason alone, I think I was kind of drawn to it. I've sort of tailored my practice to be more intentional. In recent years, one of the things I teach is practicing gratitude. So using journaling as a way to get better at gratitude, because we're not conditioned to be grateful in the society. We're conditioned to look for problems and solve problems. And so being grateful or even acknowledging what we've accomplished already takes some practice. And so I've got this kind of five point system. So first you say three to five things that you are grateful for. And that even I think in the beginning was just kind of arbitrary things like my kids are healthy and my coffee and my cup. And it was just really basic stuff until I got into the habit. So what happens with gratitude is you start thinking about it to be able to write your list down each morning. And then throughout the day, you're like, oh, what am I? And so you're like proactively looking for things to be grateful for. So you have some, so you know what your homework assignment is for tomorrow morning. And then so it's three to five things that you're grateful for. One thing you're proud of and one thing you're looking forward to. So being able to take that moment and say, okay, what did I get right today? Because we're so good at saying I messed up this, I messed up that. But what did you get right? What did you accomplish? What did you create or produce? Like, what are you proud of? And then the looking forward to something is usually it's, it's how I shift perspective from what I have to do and what I get to do. And so being able to say, I'm looking forward to, you know, I try to teach my kids this, you know, you're going to school and maybe this is the day that you're not, you know, this is day three for us of back to school. And so the novelty has worn off and so they're not as excited. And I'm like, well, what do you get to do today? You get to see your friends, like today's the day you get to eat lunch with your friends. And so I think that looking forward to something gives us some positive outlook. So journaling has become a really good way for me to practice gratitude and get better at it. The other thing that I like to do is kind of work through. So as I'm processing emotions or I'm writing through this frustrating situation or where I was triggered or why I exploded on this one situation, it lets me kind of uncover what it's about and what's at the root of that. But it also lets me create new beliefs. So talk about what I'm wanting to accomplish or some big goal that I have set for myself, being able to write about that as if it's already happened in present day tense. So I'm so grateful that this thing has happened. I, when I was manifesting the love of my life, I was writing in my journal about what it was like to already met him and what it was like to spend time with him and know that he's there at the end of the day. And these were things that I was just, it's like play in your journal, but it is creating what you want to have happen by writing it down on a page. And so journaling, those are probably some of the biggest ways that I use it. It worked really well in combination with meditation, because then these feelings that I'm trying to cultivate or generate, meditation is a great way for me to practice that. And so I can just sit in the feeling of being confident or proud of my accomplishments or at peace when I'm in the midst of something chaotic in my life and being able to sit with that feeling that I'm wanting to generate is a great way to practice that in meditation. I will tell you when I first started meditating, it was quite the struggle. And I had heard all of the things about all the reasons why meditation is important. It reduces stress level, you know, cortisone levels go down, blood pressure goes down. It had all these health benefits to just meditating 20 minutes a day. And I thought, well, if it's that good for you, I might as well try it. And my first session was two minutes and I sat in utter silence and it was really hard. My brain just went la la la la la la la nonstop in circles up down all around. And then the next day I sat for five minutes and then the next day I sat for seven minutes. And over time, I kind of gradually built up. And I also discovered that sitting in silence is not the best meditation for me. I need some sort of ambient sound playing in my headphones so that I can block out all the noise. And so binaural beats became my favorite to kind of listen to or sound healing. All these just it's not quite music and there's no lyrics. So there's nothing for my brain to focus on, but it's able to kind of tune out. And I think the biggest benefit for me with meditation is that it's taught me how to slow down my mind and the chatter and let it just kind of simmer down because my brain is crazy. So meditation has been great for that reason. Yeah, that's yeah, I did started years ago that it's funny that I did the, you know, that I just do three things that are I'm thankful for each day. And early on it was as I looked and it's same thing sort of would journal it every day would look back after a year or two. And it was like every second day was like, you know, bacon or a cup of hot tea or a night of sleep. You know, it's like, oh, okay. I know where my mindset was when I was waking up in the morning. I was either hungry or just very happy that I'd gotten a decent night's sleep or, you know, a lot of times just like sunrise or something because I would sit there and it's just like, oh, something very simple. But I think it does. And this is something I've talked with several people about is the, it's not only the health, but it's the, it is almost that self-actualization of having a positive attitude towards something is I think when you start thinking what is possible and sort of accepting that and accepting that that's going to work out and not shooting it down all the time, it makes a huge difference. And there was somebody that was talking the day they did a study where they basically put a poison person into a group because they'd have a group and they would talk about stuff and they'd have somebody that go in there and they would just be negative. And it would bring everybody down. They would find in no time, like everybody would just be tired. They would just be angry. It was all these little things that I think anywhere that you can find that little spark of light, that silver lining on the gray cloud, I think does benefit you even through the day. And so with that, and particularly because of the journaling that you do, and you obviously are a strong advocate of it, is what would you recommend to somebody how to get started in doing something like that? And then with that, is it sort of as a combo, and that question is when you journal, is it really more about exploring your thoughts or do you sometimes pick a topic or do you just sort of like just start writing or how do you get into that? – I must apologize, but we're going to pause right there because we're going to get right into her answer as we start the next episode. So a little bit of a cliffhanger. However, it seemed like a good point. I didn't want to stop her. I figured, you know, worst case you could sort of like speed through my little asking the question or use it as a review next time so that you know where we're picking up as we step into part two of our conversation. As you've seen, I think at this point, she's got a pretty good background that we can relate to. And we're going to see where she's got some very, I think, relatable ideas and approaches to making sure that you get things done, but also that you take care of business as far as your personal health and life and things like that. So that you do get to get to a point at somewhere where you are happy, where you are fulfilled, where you are content, where you are doing things and being productive and you've got that job you love, but you're also able to live the life that you want to live. But more of that next episode. So until then, go out there and have yourself a great day, a great week, and we will talk to you next time. Thank you for listening to Building Better Developers, the Develop-a-Nor podcast. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Amazon, anywhere that you can find podcasts. We are there. And remember, just a little bit of effort every day ends up adding into great momentum and great success. Hi, this is Rob from Building Better Developers, the Develop-a-Nor podcast. We're excited to be on Alexa now. You can enable us by simply saying, Alexa, enable Building Better Developers. And we will be there ready for you every time you want to listen to your now favorite podcast. Whether we are your favorite podcast or not, we would love to hear from you. So please leave a review on Amazon.